Monday, August 31, 2009

That girl. The one in the sky.

I felt a cold shock run through me and an immense amount of heat coat the back of my neck,
all at the same time.
My hands hung by my sides and my fingers entwined with one another.
I pressed my lips together and took in deep breaths.

In and out.
In and out.
In and out.

You could do this, seriously, honestly you can.
Usually reassuring myself worked, but this time, it just wasn't cutting it.
I knew I had to focus on what I had to do. This was my job, my reason for even being here I believed.

focus. focus. focus.

I tried to fight off the broken pieces of my -lost and forgotten- memories. Tried to force them out of my head. So that I could think clearly, concentrate, but they found there way back to me regardless.
I closed my eyes and gave in completely to the memory.
My fingers stopped fidgeting and the heat on the back of my neck settled and turned into a comforting warmth almost.
The rest of my body still felt cold, colder than ever as I remembered...
The Tulip Poplar grove was lit up delicately by the sunset's rays.
I lay there on the grass, hands behind my head and looked up at the sky.
I saw orange,violet, yellow, and red- lots of red.
"That one looks like a frog", she laughed and I looked over to her- her face suddenly lit up and resembled a glow of happiness- and then to the cloud, it looked nothing like a frog, but still that is what she saw and so I tried to see it too.
"No, wait, not a frog, a rabbit! Yeah, definitely a rabbit." She pointed with her skinny little finger to the sky and I looked too, concentrating on the cloud.
Yeah, it looked nothing like a rabbit to me.
The grass felt soft and soothing beneath me as I continued to look up at the clouds and hear her ramble off about her visions in the sky.
"What do you see?" She asked, totally catching me off guard.
She looked at me, face still lit up and her young light brown eyes looked even lighter and her straight brown hair hugged her face and I was happy. Actually happy. I felt comfortable, secure here.

"So? What is it? You gotta see something!" She was always a persistent child.
"I see... ugh, a girl." Her face became puzzled and she twisted her small nose and curved her lips.
"A girl?" She asked, and I heard the grass rustle beneath her as she turned to look up to the sky.
We were both quiet then, laying there side by side.
Your an idiot- a dead set idiot, my step mother's voice strung in my head. I cringed and tried- my hardest- to shove her voice out of my head. I wanted to go back to thinking of the clouds and to being happy, comfortable, and secure.
Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.
Now I wondered, does she think I'm an idiot? Maybe I was the one who couldn't see what was really there? In the sky, I mean. Maybe it was a frog or a rabbit.
"I want to be that girl." She blurted out.
I turned my head and lifted my self up slightly looking at her now, her eyes pierced into the sky and her lips parted- just staring, almost dreaming.
"Who?" I looked around us but we were alone, just the two of us.
"The girl in the sky. I want to live up there, like her, with the angels. Where no one can ever hurt me."
I changed my view from her- to the girl, the one in the sky.
She saw her too. I smiled, reassured that I was clearly not an idiot and looked towards Amber again, taking in the wonder of her eyes. She was something else, something foreign.
You know, even though she was only seven or eight, she still understood people completely,
she understood me.

"Maybe you don't have to live in the sky to be with the angels. Maybe you'll find one here, you know, like a guardian angel or something." I said, and believed this to be true. She deserved an angel, her very own angel.
"Maybe." She smiled and we both continued to lay there staring up at the girl in the sky.

I opened my eyes and the heat came back, drenching my neck, and once again I felt that pinch in my chest and that huge blow in my heart.
And just like that the memory was gone, gone like her.
I wished there was some way I could have flown her up there then, to the clouds, with the angels and all ....
Maybe I could have saved her from all the pain and heartache.
Maybe I could have saved her from life and all of its bullshit.
A series of footsteps echoed down the hall.


I clenched my fists and gritted my teeth.
I want to be that girl, the one in the sky...
Her voice played over and over again in my mind.

The foot steps grew louder by the second.

Where no one can ever hurt me.
Her little finger was still pointing up at the sky and the wonder was still there in her eyes and I knew, that where ever she was, she still understood me.

The door swung open, knocking over a group of boxes filled with glass.
I heard shatters, pieces of glass breaking, rumbles from the boxes being shoved around.
I drowned out the noise, blurred out their voices and just pictured her face one more time, for I knew it wouldn't be the last time I ever saw her...

Over my dead body.