Friday, August 14, 2009

Always have.

He held my face gently in his hands. They felt worn, rugged, and cold as his fingers gripped onto the curve of my jaw. I looked at him, trying to avoid his eyes but I knew that was impossible. They always caught my attention. It was inevitable not to notice them, deep and gray, you couldn't miss them. I parted my lips slowly, wanting to tell him how I felt, how much I really loved him all along, how so much of him was apart of me now. I took in a deep breath, held in my air, and I could feel my face twisting into fear, afraid of what his answer would be, what he would say?

Then I thought of us, and every moment that we've ever shared. I felt a sudden rush, a sort of bliss run up my spine and coax the inside of my stomach. I couldn't help but smile then. Just tell him, I thought and I was sure of it now. Sure that he would understand, feel the same way. Then that stupid voice, the one that I hated so much, spoke to me, told me the tell- all truth, what if he didn't? What if he said those little words that had been roaming in the back of my mind for awhile now, the answer that I shoved in deep within me, forcing myself to avoid the ugly truth, denying it to be possibly true. What if... What if he didn't love me? I felt that sudden rush leave, and that little bit of incredible bliss vanish, turn into fear. My face was red hot now and my nerves became alive just at the thought of him not loving me back, the vision of him saying those scary little words made my stomach turn.

Then it all happened very quickly, before I even had the chance to say one word, he leaned in and kissed me. Our lips opening and closing in sync, I couldn't help but take in deep rapid breaths as his hands ventured into my hair, pulling at it softly, closer to him. I pulled away quickly and I saw him look worried now, almost confused. His eyes appeared smaller now, darker, deeper. That's when I knew that him and I had the same fear, that we were both cowards of love- at its worst. Just do it, what do you have to loose, dammit? I thought and without even thinking I just said what I've been dying to say for a long time now, what I've been avoiding since the moment I laid my eyes on him
"I love you." I swallowed and forced my self to continue. "I always have really." My voice sounded almost lower than a shy whisper. I waited for his response and I could feel my hands becoming sweaty, my mind thinking a million things all at once. Then he tilted his head to the side and sported that crooked smile of his- the one that makes me go weak in the knees, distracts me from everything around and pulls all my focus right on him- that I love so much.

"Well guess what?" He asked, smiling again now, still making me breathless. "What?" I managed to let out, my eyes still on his, and I wanted to look away but I knew I couldn't. He had me wrapped in, he was in total control of me now, and I was just his victim.

"I loved you first, always have."


LittoMiss isuet said...

this ones making me cry as we speak.