Monday, September 28, 2009

Yellow white.

"Just listen. Listen carefully." He whispered to me, his warm breath coated my ear, and I shuddered as a million and one goosebumps rose on my arms and I caught my breath, not wanting to miss one word he was about to say.

"The moon, look at it." I tore my gaze from the ground, my eyes went from the grass, to the mid sky, to the moon. It was full and colored a yellow white. I stared at it and he placed his hands on my shoulders, gently moving one finger over my skin.

"It's beautiful," I shyly whispered and I could feel- just because we have that sort of bond, where I know what he's doing without even looking at him- that he was staring at the moon too. In that moment, we were both connected. Not just by our lives, and its absurdity, and not just by a love that never falters or dies, but by life and everything that it carries and offers to us.

He lifted his finger from my shoulder and barely touching me, he passed it over the skin on my neck and I felt okay... actually okay. I felt at peace and I knew within that moment, that he loved me and that all along I loved him too.

He had been there for me when all else failed. He knew me like no one else did, not even my own parents understood everything that went on in my head and life.

He did.

He sacrificed so much for me, and even after it all, and even for what was about to come, I knew that he would still be here. I came first to him, there was no I with him. There was only me. God has given me a life that i don't understand, and probably never will comprehend, but in exchange, he has given me him.

"Lets not go home, lets just stay here tonight." He broke my train of thoughts, and it was as if he read my mind, knew exactly what I was thinking. I smiled and without turning to him, keeping my sight on the moon I said, "lets."

So we stayed there, his arms around me, and both of us staring up into the sky, escaping our life and its absurdity.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Our world.

Our life is strange, alien, basically foreign to them, && by them I mean the world and the people it carries.

But to us?

Were just living life, day by day, night by night.
This is normal, sane, and completely common to us.

But to them?

It's unbelievable, questionable, and seriously insane.

There's only been a few, who are not from our world, who except us, and understand us.
&& in return we love them, respect them, and cherish them.


People like that don't come around often, never actually.

&& for those who question us, make us feel just like aliens...

well, can we blame them?

So here it is, I don't care.
I don't care who says what anymore.
Accept us or not, we are who we are.

I am who I am.

Our world, is exactly that, ours.
We didn't choose this life, not even close.

But here we are, together, living this life.

So lets stop wishing for something else, lets stop hating ourselves, and lets look at what we do have...
Each other.

&& that's more than what some of them have.

So lets live this alien, strange, foreign, unbelievable, questionable, seriously insane life.

Deep within me.

Dear you,

I still love you.

Deep within me, I know it's true.

I can still feel you here with me, within me I can feel your touch, your simplicity.
I still hear your voice, within me your words still play, your song never pauses, never dies down.
I see you when I close my eyes, within me your image hasn't become a memory, because I have yet to forget you.

I still love you.

Deep within me, I know it's true.

I will never set you free, and even if I were to set you free, let you be, I know that you'd come back to me, grace me with your presence, your pure existence.

I can't imagine me without you.

You're all i want
You're all i need.
You're all I have.
You're all I see
You're all I love
You're my all, my bitter-sweet, my bliss, my irrevocable dedication.

I still love you.

Deep within me, I know it's true.

Monday, September 21, 2009


Tonight, while we (my family & I) were having our usual nightly dinners, a weird -actually, really creepy- cat jumps up on our windowsill outside. My first reaction was, is that my cat? But no. It was a stray, and it wasn't long before my cat noticed him and jumped up on the windowsill from the inside and there they were having a staring contest.

They sat there for hours, literally hours! They were so fascinated with each other. Both of them were so close, yet so far away. Still, they sat there and mimicked each other, meowed, and sometimes they would just sit and enjoy each others company. Two cats from very different life's, yet they still accepted each other and appreciated one another in a way. It's funny how animals are so amazed by the smallest things. They're so easy to please, yet people are just the opposite. Nothing is ever good enough for us, and we can never have too much. Animals accept each other so easily, with no judgment in their mind. People though, we are walking-flesh-judging machines.

I think we can learn from animals, how to appreciate one another and how not to judge, but to love.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Please run.

"Wait, just please, wait," my eyes spoke for me as I pleaded with her. She didn't even look at me, her eyes fell to the floor and she pressed her lips together with her arms crossed in front of her. I searched her desperately. I wanted to look into her eyes, wanted to see the real her.

"Leave," she said coldly, still looking to the ground.

I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath, my body felt numb, and my heart pounded slowly but strongly, each beat bashing against my chest. She looked over at me now and her eyes seemed foreign to me. All of the light and the bliss and the sheer beauty that used to be in them, was gone.
They held anger and disgust and hate in them now, and I cringed at the way she looked at me.

"Leave," her lips parted slowly, and her stare didn't fall. It felt as if my breathing stopped, and I wanted to reach out to her, wanted to tell her I'm sorry, that she is all I want, all I need. I felt the words at the tip of my tongue, but something held me back, something told me to stay quiet.

Say it! I yelled at myself over and over again. Before it's too late, just say it! The words wanted to jump out of my throat and pour out of my mouth and into her mind. Then fear greeted me. What if she didn't want me? What if I wasn't all she needed? I pressed my lips together and as hard as it was for me to do this, I did, and why, I don't know. I just did. I tore my stare away from hers and it felt like every limb in my body was just torn. I turned away and began to walk, and maybe it was just me, or maybe it was the fact that me and her had that bond, where we just knew when one was happy, sad, or mad.

I felt her crying behind me, I felt her tears pouring down her face. I wanted to turn around, wanted to hold her, and tell her it was okay, that I was here. Just walk, my mind told me coldly, numbly.

A part of me wanted so badly, dreadfully, for her to call my name, to run after me.
I turned my head slightly and from the corner of my eye she still stood there.

No one would run after anyone tonight.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Undying love.

If all else fails, he will be there.
If love should fail me now, he will be there to mend me.
If life should twist and turn, he will be there to pull me in the right direction once again.
If life should knock me down, he will be there to catch me when I fall.

There are no ifs with him.
He is solid, a wall that cannot be knocked down.
He is forever divine, and eternally mines.
He is not fragile, flimsy, nor questionable.
He is secure.
He is my purpose, what keeps me going everyday.
What lifts up my spirits, high enough to reach the sky, past the clouds, to see God's face and to live in his grace.

He believes what I believe.
His heart matches mine, almost as if it was cloned, beats in the exact same sync as mine.
He is my gift from God, my very own personal dream come true.

He is something of a miracle, something so unbelievable.
This feeling is so natural, not one thing forced upon it.
This love is indescribable, unreal, and only two words can even come close to describing what he is to me, and what my love for him would have to be,

Undying love.

He will forever be apart of me, forever live in me.
Day by day we shall walk, side by side.
Night by night we shall sleep, dreaming of each other till death do us part.
For that is when our love will pause, when death takes its course, and there is that change from life to death, then after, when all is rekindled, I will find him once again and love him till eternity's time.

There is no limit to us, no time that can measure us, it just simply doesnt exist.
It's just a forever kind of thing.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Good-bye moment, hello to him.

I feel the moment pass me by, but yet, I still hold myself back.
I don't run after it, don't chase it off the edge.
My turn at love, I let it pass me by.

It's not what I want.
It's not what I long for, what I'd die for.
It lacks one thing, one thing that I know would complete me.


He is not the one that I want, the one that I dream of, the one that I cry for, the one that I desperately want and need.

He is not him.

I should feel something, anger...fear...sad...guilt...anything at all, but I don't.
I feel trapped, stuck, and most of all, in a sort of daze.

There is only one thing that is clear to me, one thing that I see, and that is him.
As I stand there, eyes closed, and body still, I picture him.
He is so vivid, a wonderful something that is breathtaking in every sense.
He ignites my senses, sends chills up and down my spine.

I catch my breath and hold it in, struggle to not let it go.
I want this moment to last, to never end.
To live with this image of him in my mind is a wishful thing- a- forever-kind-of-thing- for me.

Then, when I let go, when I let out that breath- the one that I held onto for dear life.
He fades and my eyes shoot open, searching desperately all around me.

I call for him,
I plead for him,
I beg for him.

Then, when all seems faithless and hopeless, a quick, yet, worthwhile glimpse of him comes to mind.

I hear his voice whisper to me, I'm here, softly he trails off, just hold on, he says.

HOLD ON... I repeat his words over and over again.
HOLD ON... I clench my hands together, feeling them shake uncontrollably.
HOLD ON... I cry, I let out heaps of pain as I wait.
HOLD ON... I pray, that maybe one day, one day it will be me and him.

In whatever sense that may be, it doesn't matter.
The only thing that matters is that we're together.
Forever written in INK, to never be erased.

One day, one day, one day.
I just have to hold on.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009


I was finishing 'The Hollow", a novel by Jessica Verday, and was shocked by the ending. Well, maybe not shocked, but more like perplexed. I didn't understand why Verday would end her story with such an ending.
Then, I stopped judging, stopped wondering, and thought back, and reviewed my own characters in my head, and I realized, that their choices, thoughts, and actions are completely out of my control. They are beyond my reach and no where within my grasp.

Funny thing is, not everyone can or will ever understand what I just wrote.
They make think they do, but no, they don't.
Not everyone understands what its like to have a connection with a character you created.
To hear their voices in your head.
To see their life right before your eyes.
People can imagine what its like, but only some know.

Monday, September 7, 2009


God is good.

Saturday, September 5, 2009


I miss the- wake- up- and- lets- go- smile.
I miss the -comfort -of -never- being- let -down- don't -worry- smile.
I miss the- I'm- here -for- you -no -matter- what- smile
I miss the -sexy -I want -you -smile.

I miss
I miss
I miss

you, perhaps.

No one else is you.
I get close, I get far, but they're never you.
Never will be you.
I think God only created one of you.

I miss the- I -want- to- be -with- you- forever- look
I miss the -I -couldn't- be- happier- with- you- look
I miss the- I -only- want- you- and -no- one -else- look

I miss
I miss
I miss

you, perhaps.

Your close yet so far away.
I can still remember your touch, your voice,
your everything that meant the most to me.
Yet, I have forgotten what it feels like to feel safe.
To feel completely happy is foreign to me now.
To feel comfortable and oh, so, secure, is unheard of.

What I miss the most? And this one hurts, coats the outer edges of my heart, leaving it cold and bitter. It slowly works its way to the middle, to core of me, and leaves me completely frozen.

I miss being so sure,
never having one doubt.
I miss having complete faith in you.

I miss that, terribly, excruciatingly, irrevocably, constantly, and will forever miss that.

Maybe, one day, we will come back to each other.
Find each other once again.
That would be a good day.
A day where nothing else will matter,
a day where no one else will matter.
A day that would just consist of me and you.
That's really all I've ever needed, and honestly, all I've ever wanted.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I'm here.
I'm here.
I'm here.

We have been through worse, much, much worse.
You have seen, experienced, dealt with much worse.
You can handle this.
This is cake for you.

Some where along the lines a piece of you has left, gone away.
That doesn't mean I don't see the old you, don't remember the real you.
The you that danced around everywhere, the you that always smiled, the you that was always there for me.

We have been through worse, much, much worse.
You have seen, experienced, dealt with much worse.
You can handle this.
This is cake for you.

Just remember, oh, my diamond in the rough, one day, you will be polished, and you will shine so nice.

Trust me, this is cake for you.