Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I am afraid.




This post is merely meant for venting. The grammar may not be correct and it may not make sense to some of you, or maybe some of you will sit there and nod your heads, understanding every word that is being typed.


I am afraid. Afraid of my future and what life will define that I deserve. I love to write, it helps me escape a life that has been bestowed upon me. I love my characters, every single one of them, but what if...

What if I fail myself and them?

What if I can never finish this story, perfect its editing, land an agent, and of course have it printed in ink forever?

What if? What if? What if?

It is something I'm sure many writers fear from time to time, or maybe all of the time. The road ahead of me looks so long, dark, and confusing, not to mention I'm horrible with directions. Sometimes the fear is so intense that it takes over and I go into total self doubting mode. It is an internal-horrific pain that I try to shove in deep, but eventually it becomes like a stuffed closet that cannot hold anymore. Clothes and shoes and junk begin to bulge out and spread, creating such a mess it will take forever to pick up.

Every time I walk into Barnes and Noble and see the immense amount of wonderful literature around me, I feel overwhelmed, silently proud and in awe of every author in there. I am beginning to sense how much they had to work for their book to be on that shelf. If I could, I would purchase every single book there, only because there is not one story that does not deserve to be read.

I only hope that one day (even if it is just one reader) someone will understand my characters and know their story.

Because they need to be understood, they deserve to be heard.

I can only pray and hope that by magical intervention this will all fall into place and work.

For me and for them, especially them.

8 comments:

Sarah said...

I know exactly how you feel.

The most important thing is that they are living at all--that you were able to release this story from your heart and onto paper. Your characters understand, and love you for it. :-)

If your desire is great enough, if you try hard enough, eventually you WILL get published. Keep dreaming. :-)

Jade said...

What you feel is totally normal, trust me. I'm not sure if this is your 1st ms or not, but if it is then it's always the hardest.

I struggled with my 1st ms for years, refusing to give up on it. My characters were like my children. I had to get it published. Eventually I realised that it wasn't going to happen, it was simply no good. Now I'm not saying that yours is no good but most published authors don't debut on the first book they've written. That said, it's the hardest one to let go of.

I know that sounds a tad depressing but what you have to focus on is the writing. Focus on the story and the characters. Just write and worry about the publishing industry later. Nothing else matters as long as you're writing.

If you work hard enough and are determined and willing to learn, there's no reason that you can't too be published, regardless if it's your first or your tenth story.

I've completed 4 ms and started about a dozen more. It gets easier to move forward. Trust me. I've been where you are and not that long ago.

Okay, sorry for hijacking your comment section.

MeganRebekah said...

You know, sometimes it's hard for me to resist making every single one of my blog posts a rant about how afraid I am. I'm afraid of failing. Afraid of succeeding. Afraid of so many things.

And yet we have to keep moving forward. Put one word down after another.

Bethany Mattingly said...

I definitely know what you're talking about. I feel like I've got these incredible people in my head and it is so, so important to get their stories out there.

I came to a conclusion once, I love these characters and I"m doing my best to write them in a way that other people will be able to love them the way I do...if I was given this ability to come up with them and their lives, then surely I have been granted the ability to share them with other people.

People say their books are like children. I can totally get that, even though I don't have any kids. I'd never give up on any of my children. So, I know I'll never give up on my characters. They might have to wait a bit and go through several revisions and rewrites but eventually I will make them exactly as they appear to me. I have to believe that, 'cause I have the sinking suspicion that if I didn't, i would be frozen by this fear and the books would never get written and no one would read these stories. That is just not acceptable for me, PERIOD.

I hope this helped any...at all. I think it's something each author has to work out for his/herself. Also, I just got my first rejections back from agents...the best thing for you and your characters is keeping hope and positive attitude.

V. S said...

Thank you all! Your kind and inspiring words made my day.

Katie Ganshert said...

Love this post - because I totally know how you feel. You so eloquently put in words part of my desire to be published. To share a story. To share the characters that God placed in my head. It's good to know we're not alone on this journey, isn't it?

Shelli said...

i know exactly how you feel. I get panic attacks when I see all the books on the shelf and so desperately want to see mine. sometimes it feels so far away. What helps me is to just focus on the moment and write from my heart. try not to focus on the future. all the other stuff will come.thanks for sharing :)

V. S said...

Katie- Yes, it is indeed wonderful. God has a special plan for all of us :)

Shelli- Thanks for your kind words and great marketing blog that I always look forward to reading.